Fostering open and honest communication between parents and their teenagers is as important as it can be difficult. The teenage years can often mark the countdown to adulthood when the choice of how much bonding time is available becomes the decision of a young adult who will naturally want to explore their newborn freedom. Building trust is essential for encouraging openness and creating a supportive environment where teens feel safe to express their thoughts and emotions. This allows for the transition into a different relationship dynamic from when they were little ones who could not get enough quality time to adults who continue to invest in their parental relationships.
Here are some effective strategies to help you build trust and encourage openness with your teen through creating a supportive environment:
Give them your full attention.
Yes, this seems obvious but simple doesn’t always equal easy. Focus entirely on the teen, maintaining eye contact and avoiding distractions like phones or other devices. Keeping eye contact can feel awkward and unnatural, it’s normal to break it here and there during the conversation. If you find yourself or them breaking eye contact around certain topics, check in with yourselves. Are there certain topics that feel less comfortable to explore? What can you do to help support through those moments?
Paraphrase what you hear.
Repeat what you've heard in your own words to ensure understanding and show them that you're actively engaged in listening. A teenager’s brain is consistently telling them that it’s a rarity to find someone who understands what they’re going through. Let them know you hear them and understand why they would feel alone or not enough. Further reinforce that you care by asking them, “Can you tell me if I've understood this correctly?” and following up with "Is there anything more you think I should understand?".
Reflect the feelings you’re hearing.
Acknowledge the teen’s emotions by reflecting them back, such as saying, "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated." Support them in being active participants in the conversation through the following skills
Clarify: Ask clarifying questions to confirm if you understand their message correctly. Some examples include "Can you help me understand if this is what you mean...?", "I want to make sure I'm getting this, you're saying... Is that correct?", or "Can you explain a bit more about... to help me understand better?".
Summarize: Recap the main points of the conversation to demonstrate that you've been attentive and to ensure mutual understanding. By summarizing you are making sure that your focus matches your teens focus. Remember that as much as you want to focus on supporting them and keeping them safe, their focus makes sense to them and may seem less clear to you.
Validate: Acknowledge their perspective, even if you don't agree with it, to show respect and empathy. A common trap we fall into is the myth that by validating I’m giving an unspoken show of approval. Validating, especially when we don’t agree, lets the other person know “I care about your experience and you have every right to be upset.”
Nonverbal Cues:
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- Nonverbal cues that show you're actively listening and engaged in the conversation includes
- Nodding: Nodding occasionally indicates agreement and understanding.
- Facial Expressions: Appropriate facial expressions (e.g., smiling, showing concern) reflect empathy and understanding.
- Open Posture: Keeping an open posture (arms and legs uncrossed) signals receptiveness.
- Active Gestures: Using small gestures, like a nod or a hand motion, to encourage the speaker to continue.
- Silence: Allowing pauses without interruption shows that you are giving the speaker time to think and express themselves.
- Nonverbal Cues That Signal Not Listening
- Avoiding Eye Contact: Looking away frequently or avoiding eye contact can suggest disinterest or distraction.
- Crossed Arms/Legs and Fidgeting: This can signal defensiveness, disinterest, discomfort, impatience or boredom.
- Lack of Facial Expressions or Yawning: A blank/uninterested facial expression or appearing visibly tired suggests boredom or lack of interest
- Interrupting: Frequently interrupting or speaking over the speaker shows a lack of willingness to listen.
- Inconsistent Nodding: Nodding too much or inappropriately can suggest that the listener is not genuinely engaged.
- Glancing Around, Checking Phone, or Watch: Frequently looking around the room or at others can signal distraction and lack of attention.
- Nonverbal cues that show you're actively listening and engaged in the conversation includes
Related Article: The Effects of Eggshell Parenting
On top of strengthening your bond, by using these skills you’re also modeling skills, the most effective way developing humans learn, which they can use across their relationships. To make a lasting impact you must use these skills consistently, most of the time. Give yourself some grace when a situation doesn’t go as well as you hoped. On top of being a caregiver, you’re a human with their own needs to meet. Doing your best is what will shine through, eventually.