Challenges with Being a Support System
We live in a grief-illiterate society, so we often lack the tools to be present for others as they navigate the vast terrain of grief. Supporting our partners through grief can be a daunting and sometimes uncomfortable task. It’s difficult to see your partner in pain and know that you cannot fix it. Often, people fear saying or doing the wrong thing, so they opt to stay silent or try to find the silver lining, such as saying, "At least your loved one is not in pain anymore." Although these statements are delivered with the best intentions, they are often unhelpful and, at times, hurtful to the griever.
How to Be There For Your Partner
There are several ways we can support our partner with their grief. One of the essential needs of grieving, according to grief expert David Kessler, is to have your pain witnessed. You can help your partner with this task by sitting with them, asking about their loved one, listening, and empathizing with their experience. This powerful act of witnessing allows people to feel seen and understood. It also helps them come to terms with the fact that their loss is real, and their pain is valid. It's OK not to know what to say next. Ask your partner how you can further support them and what they need from you.
Kessler also emphasizes the importance of expressing your feelings. Ultimately, we need connection with other people to process our grief and the emotions associated with it. Creating a safe space for your partner to be vulnerable and share their feelings can be a powerful way to support them. There are a variety of feelings that can come up in grief – some expected, such as sadness and anger, and others that are less commonly discussed, like feeling numb, relieved, or jealous. Often, we have a combination of feelings, which can feel messy and contradictory. It’s important to normalize our partner’s feelings, even if they do not make sense or seem rational. Allowing your partner to express their feelings helps foster emotional intimacy, so both of you feel more connected and less lonely.
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The Importance of Seeking Professional Support
Every person's grieving process is unique and multifaceted, as is how we support our partner. If you're looking for ways to help your partner and better understand their experience, couples therapy is a great place to start. On an individual level, it's important to know that old wounds, traumas, and ingrained core beliefs often arise in grief. It may be helpful to seek individual therapy to process these experiences. If you or your partner are navigating grief, I would be honored to walk alongside you.