Generally had a healthy childhood where they learned that their family would show up for them and meet their emotional, mental, and physical needs on a consistent basis.

As a result of believing that people would most likely show up for them and they would have their needs met, they were able to relax in relationships and learn the value of giving and reciprocating emotional needs. These clients have a better shot at having healthy intimate relationships.

Current estimates are that 35-50% of us have a secure attachment style.

Think mixed messages and contradictions in the way emotions are handled and presented. The root of the attachment issue is having received contradictory love and acceptance from their parents. As a result, they never knew if people would consistently show up for them.

With this kind of upbringing, they transfer these worries about whether their romantic partner will always be there for them or will abandon them during times of need.

They experience loving relationships as a place to express their strong needs for closeness and affection they may not have received growing up. They often express dependence, needing approval, and overwhelming sensitivity to potential rejection.

However, because of their background, they often maintain an attitude of waiting for things to go wrong in the relationship and are pre-occupied or on high alert for rejection or keeping on the lookout for potential issues that could happen with their partner. They express anxiety about all their relationships and have difficulty tolerating difficult emotions. This often leads to the use of substance or escapism to deal with unwanted emotions.

The anxious-avoidant attachment style generally comes as a result of growing up with emotionally unavailable or distant caregivers. Often the family of origin members didn’t know how or were unable to provide support when the child needed it. The parents might have told themselves that they were being standoffish out of a desire to help the child become independent or more responsible. The unfortunate outcome was that the child received the message that they were odd, different, not like others, and that the only person they could trust was themselves. They believe there will never be anyone who can support them or help them in life.

The person with this type of attachment style finds it hard to make close emotional connections with others. As a result, they experience deep emotional pain that is hidden from others and often looks like they prefer to be self-sufficient or independent.

This push-pull attitude creates intense anxiety when starting to get into a close emotional relationship or when they sense someone wants depth or commitment from the relationship. This also creates a mixed message, not because they don’t care, but in their inability to be clear on their own emotions or how to best process them. They have never been able to feel secure that others will accept them for who they are and as a result decide it’s better to keep emotions close to the chest to avoid feeling too emotional, which equates to unacceptable vulnerability.

Assumes that others will let them down in some way emotionally, mentally, or physically and responds to relationships looking to avoid the pain of feeling rejected by rejecting others first.

This person has often experienced a history of abuse in their family of origin or in important relationships. Caregivers often used physical punishment to intimidate.

Caregivers at an early age left the person with a sense that they were indifferent to them in their life and may have vacillated between affection and irritation at their presence in the caregiver’s life with no explanation.

People with disorganized attachment were often left alone with no support during moments of sadness or distress. These people never knew what to expect from the people in their lives who were supposed to protect them.

These patterns are learned and repeated in their adult relationships. Maintaining consistent behaviors and emotions in relationships is a struggle. Most unresolved attachment styles create unexpected behaviors and attitudes of withdrawal and turning inward when unhappy or anxious.